Freedom is Not Free

They know it.

11 years ago I learned that lesson and I will never forget it.

Growing up too fast

I know it has been a while since I have written, we are just getting through each day, minute by minute.  We are busy and life is full.  The kids are growing fast and it makes me so sad.  Lily is a different child and Johnny is in school learning a ton every day.  I wish Shawn was here to see them, they are amazing, because they are his children.

Brownies and Cookies

I just spent 6 ridiculous hours baking Shawn a double batch of cookies and two batches of brownies, because he said "since you can't send real chocolate how about some in homemade cookie and brownie form." Was that him saying "please drop everything and make me brownies and cookies while ignoring the rest of the world to prove how much you love and miss me" ? Nope...but I did. I did not even let the kids help...they would have loved to make cookies for Daddy. I am not sure what to say to defend myself.  At about 10:30 pm it hit me that this is a silly way to do this, and I got annoyed with myself every time I put a cookie sheet in the oven.  God bless my mom who sat 10 feet from me all evening, she never once asked me "what the hell are you doing, don't you have stuff that needs done?" My mom let me destroy her kitchen and make extra noise during her only relax time and while she took care of the baby.  She understood that there was something in me that needed to do this tonight, for him.  Even though the basement is a mess and I need to finish Johnny's first day of school sweater, make an oil change appointment and fix the sliding door on my van, did I do that...nope I made cookies.  I miss my husband.

Just read the bible, do it

This week I feel like we are in a nice grove with this deployment.  God has filled my days with the laughter of children and my evenings with creativity and growth.  Shawn is "board" in a war zone...and I am fine with that! We miss each other like crazy, but every day down is another day closer to home coming and a day that I know I am doing God's will.  That is what is on my mind right now.   March 20 th of 2011 I felt God pull on my heart in a way I never thought was possible, since then I have tried to live a Christian life and search for that pure joy sensation in my soul again. This deployment and the recent deaths in my family have been a true test for me.  Not every day has been a success, some tests God gives me I fall flat on my face.  But with each failure and each success I get closer to knowing and living God's will and feeling God's joy forever.  Something extremely important that has recently been beaten into my mind is ....you must read the Bible! Read the Bible, read it read it read it.  In a year a half that I have truely felt like a Christian I have not read much of the Bible.  I have listened to Christian music, Christian books, worn a cross around my neck, but my bibles (multiple) sit mostly untouched.  I enjoy using the excuses that I am dyslexic, reading is very hard and over whelming for me...so Jen listen to it on audio....I have multiple versions of audio bibles too.  Without that very necessary step my relation with Jesus just was not forming.  I began to convince myself God was so forgiving and fluffy that I was good just trying to be a good person.  And God is forgiving and loves us unconditionally, but there is more and He is all mighty, there is no reason or excuses to not read the Word of God.

Operation Gratitude

The wars have been on for 10 years.  Soldiers have been leaving their families behind for 3 months to 18 months at a time for over 10 years.  It has never been easy for anyone. 

But we are proud to support our soldiers like no one else can....and you know what we need support too.  My children are sacrafising  a year of childhood with Daddy so that others will benifit.  I have been touched by many people who want to pray over us or hug us or just share a few words understanding... But today the kids got a little extra support...their own care packages!   

Operation Gratitude is an organization of volunteers and donations who send care packages down range to say a comforting "thank you" to our men and women in harms way.  A couple months ago we gave them Shawn's info so he could receive a package...I had no idea they did family packages too.

Our FRG (family readiness group) passed these packages out at the latest meeting, since it is 30 hours away from us, we did not make it.  So the FRG leader put the kids packages in the mail and it was the most exciting event of the month...MAIL just for them!

Both of the kids got Battalion Buddies which are these adorable stuffed animals wearing a jacket like Daddy's.  Johnny got a monkey! PERFECT!!

Lily got a puppy!!! "puppy puppy puppy...my puppy"

They also got some fruit roll ups, girl scout cookies and a recordable book! A very nice book...I was VERY excited!  We are going to send one to Daddy to record and we are going to record one for Daddy, I am sure that will be fun.

The generosity of this organization and everyone who works with them has touched my heart very deeply. Without question or comment my children received a blessing to help ease the days away from Daddy.  It made them feel special and gave us all strength to get through a few more days.  Thank you Project Gratitude, I pray a praise for you and a need for more of this kind of selflessness in our world.  

Smiles

I am not sure why today was rough...it just was.  I don't want to complain or focus on the negative, I truely understand how freaken lucky I am....but today was still rough.  I think it was mostly that the kids seemed to have lost their minds first thing in the morning and did not manage to find them all day.  On days like this shawn would bring me home a few bottles of very cheap wine ( Boones Farm) and take the kids on his famous nature walk and serve us all dinner of roman and peanut butter and jelly, taking the kids for early baths and extra books.  I miss him.  But he called today and sounded like he was in good spirits, my mom laughed with me and the kids had left over Chinese for dinner(which was a total treat for them.). I am lucky, blessed and loved and I am frustrated with myself.  I am being apathetic about nearly everything, praying, reading, school, cleaning, eating right or pushing myself at the gym.  The back of my mind is screaming at me to suck it up and do it all they way I know I should, but my heart is tired and my body is sore.  I truely wish I knew how to overcome myself.  Something every part of me can agree on and something I will never lose motivation for is making my kids smile.  I am clinging to that right now.  As much as they drive me crazy, when those little faces light up so do I.  That is what will get us all through this....giggles and smiles of two perfect little monkeys.

God's Own Reasons #121

I have spent a lot of time during this deployment trying to figure out WHY.  What could God want us to gain from all of this?  I come up with reasons and usually reject them thinking "it is just not worth that" or "I am just stretching it"  But one reason has come up time and time again that really seems to make sense...I needed to get closer to God before I could be away from my family.  My brother, sister-in-law and mother have been spiritual guides and sounding boards for me and God wanted me to be stronger in my faith through them before I could be away.

I accept this reason.

But why did Shawn have to go to war to keep me here. Surely GOD could have found a better reason to keep us here.  Well God is obviously smarter then I and has a plan for me, to better me and He has great things planned for me.  It is hard to remind myself of that when I wake suddenly and expect to see my husband curled up next to me and he is not, or when I don't hear from him at all for days and my mind wonders as I am scared to answer the door.

 But God truly knows more then me and I accept that as well.

With these two facts finally being accepted into my heart I am open for many more of Gods plans to start in my life.  Today I am discovering that God is truly working his will to make me a better me.  Through this deployment I am learning about myself, my family, my husband, my children and life.  My priorities are shifting like I never thought they would and my heart is feeling at peace with things I never dreamed of.  I feel as if I am a tree and I am watching and feeling my branches grow and change.  It is surreal to be in the midst of a true metamorphosis.  I accept my faults and my strengths and I am looking forward to knowing myself better and growing up to be the best Mom and wife that I can be, with God by my side anything is possible.

40 Minutes and Music

We spent 40 minutes on the phone today.  WE LAUGHED!!! It was wonderful.  I felt like we really connected.  Oh how I miss him, but right now I feel closer to him!!

He also sent me some songs that made him think of me.  He likes to emotionally hold himself back while down range so this is a little bit of a stretch for him.  But the songs told me that he missed me, cared for me, loved me, treasured me and that "no matter what the future holds" he will be there.  I already knew that, but I love knowing he is thinking of me out there.

I just miss him

I think I might have this under controll, I am not perfect, but with the help of my wonderful family and God I feel confident that I can handle this deployment.  But right now my heart just aches for my husband.  This weekend in DC I saw a father lifting up a small girl so she could see better.   I could not keep back my tears.  Every time I blinked I saw Shawn and Lily.  I just miss him.

Twelve

That is how long our phone conversation was today.  Twelve minutes that we shared today quietly talking about Lily throwing up and Johnny not taking a nap.  I got married to share my life with my husband, not twelve minutes.  Today I am praying for perspective, I know we are lucky.  Lucky to have found each other and fallen in love, lucky that he has come home from two deployments and each day he is safe is a gift, lucky that we have any time to talk and lucky that we know when he is coming home.  We are lucky, and blessed and life is good, but my heart breaks every time I hit the red button to end the connection and prepare to live separate lives again.

Busy Week

Shawn has been very busy down range this week.  We have not gotten to talk much and he cannot tell me why he is busy or what he is doing or much of anything.  He usually calls every day from Skype over free Internet, and we talk for 20 to 30 minutes, nothing big, just catch up, assuring eachother we are okay and loving and then let the kids giggle for him.  But this week he has only been able to call 3 times and each call is less then 5 minutes, he is tired, head aches and working really late and must be ready early in the morning.  I fear he has avoided calling or talking to me because he doesn't want to tell me what is going on, he has never liked to share his over seas experiences with me.  I miss him so much right now.  I am scared, but I have to know that God will bring him home to me.  This is just another day over, another week closer to being together again.  The longer we are apart and the more weeks like this the luckier I feel to be his wife.  He has loved me for 10 years and seen the worst of me he loves me more and more. I feel truely treasured by him every day as he sees me and helps me see myself as well, better then any one else.  Of course we have had our problems, but they have only ever made us stronger together.  He balances me utterly and I imagine how lucky my children are to have him as a father.  Please Lord keep him safe and bring him home.

Sentimental

Shawn says I am sentimental....he is right.  But so is our son.  John LOVES anything that even resembles any kind of camouflage, he calls it "Daddy cloths" or "Daddy blanket" or "Daddy..." you get the point.  So today we made this shirt together on my friends embroidery machine.  I think it turned out great and Johnny can't wait to wear it to school later this month.

Trusting the Lord....

                                

....it is not easy, but I am trynig, becuase I know the path the Lord wants me to be on will only lead me to Joy and Love, for He loves me and we have joy in Him.

Praying

We pray at meals and before bed, we thank God for the blessing of "daily bread" and ask that He keep Daddy safe and bring him home soon.  We must be teaching Johnny something right, since after church he went running in this field as usual and stopped to lean on this cross for about 5 minutes!! He said he was praying, I am not sure what he said to God, but I was glad he knew he could and how to.

Praying is not always easy for me.  I feel strange, talking to myself, asking for things.  I try to just talk to God in my head all day long.  "Thank you Lord for keeping Shawn safe to call me for another day" "Oh God please help me finish this run" "God you know I love them, but these children are driving me crazy, can you do something about that PLEASE?" :) Most of the time I just cat with God like I would chat with my mom.  But I often loose my trust and ask "If God knows what is going to happen and has a plan, why do I need to pray, does it do any good?" I must remind myself that it does make a difference.  That our Heavenly Father gave us free will and the ability to make our way,  though making our way in His path ensure happiness and eternal life with God.  It may still not make perfect sense, but my heart tells me it is right. God wants to know what we want, what we find important and what we desire for our life.  So please, if you are reading this bow your head and say this prayer for us, so God knows what we want for our future and our family.

Heavenly and awesome Father, thank you for this day, thank you for breath in my lungs and food on my plate.  Lord, I ask you to watch over Shawn in Afghanistan, it is not easy to help those who lose their way, and fight to keep your own as well, keep peace in his mind and work  his heart.  Lord keep Shawn safe and bring him home to his family soon. Ease all of their hearts and minds and stay with them showing them your path and your plan.  Be especially with his children, John and Lily, as they miss Daddy with all of there little hearts Lord, help them understand Daddy's adventure and know he will come home to them as soon as he can.  Lord you guide my days and nights and I pray you bless all service men and women and their families, in harms way and at home.  Thank you for giving us people like this to keep us safe. In Jesus name I pray with gratefulness and love. Amen

Slow and Busy

I posted on our units group page last week that I feel like the months are moving along far too slowly.  We are two months in and have 7 left.  Many other wives responded that they could not believe that two months had already past, that they were so busy it felt like time was flying by.

I feel like we are busy people.  With young children we don't have ballet, or soccer or anything like that, it is summer and sometimes the amount of children in and out of the house is up to 9! We are out and about and visiting and playing and swimming every day.  But still each day feels as long as a year, like imaging Shawn's homecoming, is like thinking of a different life time.

I have also been pulling myself together, trying to put my focus back on God and appreciate the insane amount of blessings I have in my life, knowing this one minor hardship is in God's plan and that 9 months is NOT a life time!! I am not alone and I am not lost.

A Lesson About our Nature

I have learned a lot in the past few months.  I am beginning to feel as if God wanted me apart from Shawn and here in Maryland so I would learn about myself, about life, about my kids and about Him.  God does not disappoint at all! Since Shawn has been apart from me God has been teaching me lessons left and right.  I feel as if I have grown so much and discovered.

A lesson very vital to my spiritually has to do with original sin.  It has always been a struggle for me to imagine that my children were born "dirty" already sinful and tainted.  Why did we need Jesus to come and die for us? Maybe my pride was just too large, but I could not imagine NEEDING Jesus to FIX me or that anyone I loved was not already perfect. In the ups and downs of deployment (excitement over thinking about homecoming and getting phone calls and the sadness of loneliness) has shown me the nature of my heart.

The nature of my heart, the nature of all human hearts, is to turn away from God, turn towards sin.  When things get bad I would drink a few beers, watch Futurama or attempt to ignore the entire world and mope around.  When I do not like the path God has put before me I ignore God, I decide I know better and fight for what I want.  How could I know better then God, who sees all and knows all and loves me wanting only the best for me? Really? When I am enjoying the path God puts before me, I pray and read His word and listen to His music and I feel amazing! That joy deep in my heart of following His way and listening to Him is a joy I never want to leave me and I am the only one who has control over that.  God gives his love freely  and has a plan for me.  I have to open my heart and fight against my nature to let God into my heart.  Every day is a battle, but everyday brings me closer to Him, and that is where I want to be!

Ups and Downs

I have found it difficult to post much. Shawn has been gone for two months and I can't believe we have seven left, it feels like a life time! I have been so up and down with my emotions and reactions i am not sure which way I am headed very often. I have grown a lot and gained a lot of perspective, understanding and had massive realizations about myself and life and I am grateful that God put me in this situation so I could grow so much, but on the other hand there is an overwhelming aching in my heart for my husband, my best friend. Every time I look at our children I feel like a vital peice is just missing. This is not easy and I wish it wasn't happening, I wish Shawn was home!

My Little Boy

My little boy misses his Daddy. He seems so different since his Daddy left. He acts like a baby more often, whining and crying and ignoring directions we give him. He almost seems lost, like behind his blue eyes all he can do is miss Daddy. I know the feeling. Today was difficult for him. He lied to me, snuck toys behind my back, spit multiple times after he had already gone to time out for it, and played when he knew he should have been cleaning up. He was generally out of sorts, he can't seem to be still, or quite, or focus on one thing for too long. There is the possibility of ADHD or something similar, and he starts school in the fall, we will be keeping a wide eye open. but right now my heart tells me he just misses his Daddy.

 He is so much like Shawn that I feel almost lost raising him without him and I know Shawn would thrive in the curious questions Johnny asks and in reading non fiction magazines and sneaking up on people to surprise them with a squeeze hug. But even without Shawn, I am not alone, thank God for that, truely! My parents are a wonderful support and guidance and boost to me. And I don't know how I would do this without them. My brother suggested writing my son a letter about all of the things I love in him and how I see his future. A boost for the both of us.

 Dearest Johnny,
 You are a walking hug. You are pure and innocent love placed in the body of a 4 year. You are always telling those around you that you love them, giving hugs or blowing kisses, especially when you are in trouble. You would not care if you were spanked as long as you were told you were loved during it. That is your greatest strength and I pray you never loose it. You love and you see love and acceptance in everything around you. You have the biggest heart and you already yearn for that acceptance and love for yourself as well. I fear you will have your fragile heart broken and I pray I am there to help you put it back together. I sometimes forget how young you are because you already stand chest high to me and because you are always asking insightful questions about the world around you. I recently bought you a $13 magazine about life under the ocean! Because you practically begged for it, and you sleep with it under your pillow. Your obsession with picking up trash and collecting rocks makes trips to the park an excursion and I pray you never loose that pure curiosity. Your favorite outing place of all time is the Smithsonian Natural History museum, AkA the Dino Museum. You would go everyday and have me read every world on every display in the entire museum. You and your father both. You love nature and I can see you as a scientist one day. I can also see you as a father and husband, loving and devoted and always putting your family first. That is the truth of the man I see in your young eyes. Love, love, love and never stop, it is the best of you.

 My prayer today is this, Lord give me the strength to guide my son down the path that leads to You and give me the intelligence to foster the best parts of his mind and help him to keep his love for nature and learning no matter what the future may hold for us. Lord give me heart to Love him and show show him love, help him live in love and help him grow in love. Lord for only with you in my heart am I deserving to be this amazying little boys mother. Thank you for the truest blessings of my life, my children.

Notes from the end of today

*sometime you have to fight to cling to and feel your blessings, fight away the negative thoughts and appreciate your gifts
Giggles and smiles through big eyes
 A little heart aching for love
A fresh new life, truely a new beginning
Supporting and being supported
 A future
 LOVE
 I turn my sinful broken soul to God and I am made clean and whole. He is all I need and I give my life to Him. I will always try my hardest to live my life in Him, with Him, and for Him for everything I have is a gift from Him...blessing He gives to make this life rich.

Why!

The biggest struggle since we got word of this deployment is understanding Gods purpose. Why did God want Shawn deployed again? It stinks! But I am coming to trust God and to believe that Gods purpose and plan is bigger then me and ANY problem I may come across. The last few weeks have been really rough, two cousins gone, sick kids, pain ridden Papa...the list goes on and on. But today is a new day and a new lesson for me right from my heavenly father. My parents are at the hospital preparing to bring home there first foster child, a premature baby boy weight just under 4 lbs. my brother and his family are bringing home two boys, ages 5 and 6 right now. I am not directly involved, I am support staff...and that is very important for me to accept. I am not the center of attention and I do not need to be the person doing everything and helping everyone. I am loving my family, giving support where and when I can, even if that is just praying for them! That is how I feel God truely speaking to me today. I accept his lesson and old it close to my heart.

Up and Out

It is late and I am pretty tired, but I wanted to get something posted.  I have been really self loathing and self pitting lately, I have been ignoring the comfort God tries to give me.  This morning I took a hint and took the kids to DC to go to the National Zoo.  It was wonderful, truely wonderful. Eye opening to each one of them for me.  Lily was just happy, she just smiled and just enjoyed seeing the animals and eating "MnMs" and Johnny was intelligent and interested in everything.  I have been bogging myself down in myself and MY life and MY problems I have not been loving my children.  But now I appreciate them, I see them and I truely LOVE them with all of who I am I LOVE them.  And I am ready for the comfort the Lord has given, the comfort of my children.

As I finish writing this am feeling blessed and full...Shawn surprises me with a late night call...early morning for him.  He just wanted to hear my voice and let me hear his.  We laughed and I told him about our Zoo trip.  We got off the phone with giggles and love...that is us and I have to be that for him, let the Lord comfort me and find joy in my children, so I can give joy to my husband at war.

Where is Daddy?

Johnny is a smart and curious kid. About a year ago a good friend of his named Morgan moved with her family to Germany.  He still asks about her and about Germany and how we could visit her.  So when Daddy left we told him Daddy was on his adventure in Texas, and Texas was what he clung to.  But then we visited Texas and then he got a little confused, how could this be where Daddy was on his adventure, we could live here.  So now Daddy is trying to explain to him what Afghanistan is like and where Daddy is compared to him.  Daddy is sending us some pictures of his room and office, but OPSEC keeps him from sending us too many pictures.  Johnny's interest in knowing where Daddy is prompted Grams to buy this giant floor puzzle of the world.  Mommy got to help him put it together and he really started to understand how big the world is.

Johnny loved looking at each piece and talking about the animals that show where they live in each country.

He loved seeing the puzzle come together.

Putting in the last piece you would have thought was like winning the Olympics.

They we talked about where Daddy is.

Johnny was concerned about the tiger that was so close to were we said Daddy was.  Johnny hopes Daddy is n by any tigers or mountain lions.

And we have it.  One finger on Daddy and one on us.  So far away, but always in our hearts.

Baby Number 3

No this is not anannouncment that we are expecting. There is no way for us to add to our family in the next year, and if that announcement was on it's way, there would bemore then a little explaning to follow. No, this is a post about my very personal struggles and frustration. In the past 24 hours I been excited for two separate friends now expecting their third child about the time Shawn is due to come home. There is no blessing like that of a newborn child, of a life to make your own richer. But my husband is away, gone from my arms for the next 9 months and there is no chance I can begin to feel life growing in me again. Honestly we don't know if we want another child. Our resources fit perfectly to raise the two wonderful children we have, but we don't even have the option. Our youngest is offically two and learning to use the potty, our oldest will be in school this fall! And every day that passes I feel my days of motherhood slipping away. I know I will always be their Mom, but in less then 18 years they won't need me any more. Then what do I do with myself? I am a mom and I don't want to be anything else, ever! I think this is something that mamy moms, if not all, struggle with, but with my husband gone for this year I must face it now. I suppose the option for more children is open to us when Shawn returns, but there is so much that will need done and every day our children will be further apart in age. Maybe I am seeking to justify aching for the baby days of my children and wishing I could stretch them out and stop them from growing up, stop my husband from missing milestones. Stop this year from passing while we are apart, or making it pass faster, before we know it has even started. But it has and the days drag as my babies grow up too fast.

Evan

It has been the worst week ever, though I know it could have been worse.  Prayers this week have been desperate and filled with tears of loneliness and loss.  I posted about my cousin Andrew who died one year ago, just two days before that anniversary his brother took his own life.  Two brothers, both war vets, both young, both sad, both gone, both missed and loved.  

Again, I had not really spoken much to Evan since we were kids, and not much then. He was just 5 years older then me. I am not sure why I never got to know him.  He found God and joined the Air Force when I was a teen and after that had his own life and me mine, so why did I not take the time and talk to him? He is my family damn it! Why did I judge him for what I heard of his life choices? Why did not I not just want and pray for his happiness? Why did I not want to know him and be apart of his life?  Or put the effort towards it? He has a beautiful wife and sweet baby boy whom I have never meet and this is how I choose to remember him, resting with his son.  He is at peace in his heart and no longer feeling the pain and strain of what he has endured. So many of my prayers now will go to his wife and son, his mother, father, sister, brother and nieces and nephews.  They are still here and must learn to live life without him, as they are still trying to learn how to live life without his brother.

  I wish I could see Gods purpose in this. 

Evan's funeral is Monday, in Ohio, 6 hours from where we live.  Shawn is in Afghanistan and Lily has croup.          My parents and brother and sister-in-law are driving to be at the funeral, but I am staying back in Maryland to take care of the children, mine and help with my brothers.  I cannot take sick Lily on that much of a trip, or into a funeral, and there is no one left to watch my kids, especially while sick.  Lily does not usually get sick, the last time was a year and a half ago! But she is sick now, I was in the ER twice with her twice this week.  Am I trying to justify the fact that I am not going? I know I feel like I should be there, my cousin is gone and I want to support my family and say good bye.  But I am the spouse of a deployed solider and they wont bring him back for this, so I am doing this duty and saying my good byes from here.  I am more then blessed to be with my family during this rough time and that they are able to go to the funeral to represent all of us.

I love you Evan.  I will keep you in my heart and your family in my prayers.  I know you finally feel peace and rest in the arms of our Heavenly Father.  Your name sits with me in a special way, my cousin , I miss you man and I just wish it was last week...last year and we could make it all better.  

Why it Matters

Memorial Day week end will always be rough for our family.  My cousin, Andrew was 21 years old.  He was active duty Air Force and had only been home 6 months from his first deployment.  He suffered from PTSD and took his own life.  Only one year has past, and it has gotten harder.

We miss Shawn very much, but he is there preventing and treating PTSD in our military serving in harms way.  He is there helping other families not go through what our family is going through.  Every day 18 veterans take their own life! That number is outrageous! 18 lives a day, 18 families, 18 futures, 18 heroes....every day! That is why Shawn does what he does, to lower that number.

48 Hours

Johnny is fast asleep, and for the second night in a row he is wearing his "Daddy shirt." This shirt is the grey child sized PT shirt he got in Texas when we visited Daddy. He just doesn't want to take the shirt off. He wore it yesterday, over his sleeper last night and to church today. Now he is sleeping in it again. It has been 48 hours since he has taken off his "Daddy shirt." I do not blame him one bit! And will let him wear it with his "Daddy shorts" as long as he wants.....until maybe they start to smell funny.

Hoarding Daddy

We love our Daddy so much that we want to hoard him away and not let anyone else get any time with him! But we also know that our Daddy is doing something so important in Afghanistan.  He is helping other soldiers deal with the emotional and mental damage of war.  So we will lend our Daddy to those needy soldiers for a little while.  But you know that we want him back!! ASAP

Here is a rather graining picture, shot with my cell phone, of Lily talking to her Daddy via Skype.  She grabbed the IPad out of my hands and was yelling "MY DADDY MY DADDY MY DADDY" not letting anyone else talk to him.  She just waned to see him face and giggle at him, then give him lots of kisses.  That is HER Daddy! And don't you forget it!

This is what it mean....

....to be a family separated by half the world. It is Saturday, a long week end for Memorial Day, the kids are playing in the sand box and I am in the hammock enjoying the beautiful weather, but Daddy is sitting alone in a room after a very long day at work trying to get his Internet working so we can just hear his voice. I am glad and relieved for his safe assignment, but we still wish we could be together just for moments like this. All seems right with the world, but there is still an empty seat next to me.

The Relief of a Phone Call

He finally called!!And that means prayers get answered.  His voice is so soothing now.  Just the way he says "Hey" and not hello or hi.  And the way he NEVER hangs up without saying "I love you." He had little to tell me, because of OPSEC.  But he is still in transit, not settled at his "home FOB" yet.  Right now he is still waiting in long lines to get 15 free minutes of phone time.  But once he finally gets where he is going we will be able to hear from him more. 

He wanted to know just generally what was going on. I told him some funny stories of things the kids did and about my allergy and ENT appointment.  I was so giddy to hear from him that I giggled and smiled ear to ear.  At one point he said "You sure do sound happy to hear from me."  It really made him happy to hear me happy and that is one of best things I can do for him.  Just be happy and handle life here, hold it together for him and those phone calls get me through.  He promised to call tomorrow!

Lord, father give me strength to be his home and his happiness.  Lord give him strength to get through this and bless him with safety.  Keep our children busy and happy and remind them of the love their Daddy has for them.  Thank you Lord, for it is only your doing, for getting him to Afghanistan safely and allowing us to talk to each other at all during this separation.

Over There

He left, really left. Up until now he has still been in the states, still just a phone call away. Now he is gone, where I cannot reach, I can only wait. I have spent my life waiting for him. I got a call from him at 2:30 am, we only had 10 minutes. He did not sound bad, tired, but focused. I miss him so much, everyday I pray that the Lord makes this easy on him and the kids. I know we have to do this, but I don't want to. I wonder and pray a lot why? What is God's purpose in all of this? What does he want us to get out of all of this? Patience? Money? Closer? Closer to Him? I am trying. Hiding myself in His word, in speaking to Him. But my soul still aches for my husband, why?

Daniel Fast

I have been considering what it is to pray, what it is means to ask God for something so big as keeping a man safe at war.  If God has decided it is Shawn's time, then what can I do ask God to change his mind? We pray so God knows our desires, our free will to ask him to help us in our lives.  I want my Lord to really know how much I want my husband home and safe as soon as possible.  I also want to see God's purpose in this deployment, in my life, and to bring me closer to Him.  So I have given up food in a pleasurable way.  I am fasting.  It is called the Daniel Fast, taken from the Bible, the book of Daniel.

 The fast is taken from different parts of the book at different times.  Only drinking water, only eating fresh foods from the earth (fruits and veggies) nuts and whole grains.  It is a very healthy and cleansing way to live.  Once you get past the cravings for sugar and caffeine you gain a very light feeling and everything you eat feels holy and blessed.  I am not eating to cure the depression of loneliness, I am eating to tell God I am dedicated to Him and bringing Shawn home.

I am not alone, I never am.  My mother is fasting with me! She is praying with me and she feels how hard this separation is for all us and it makes her sad too.  So she makes it easier on my by eating what I eat and not eating the things I wish I was :) Thank you Mommy, you make my life so much easier then I ever thought it would be.

The Unit

Our unit!!! I know they all look the same, but you can find SGT Branson in the middle of the back row.  That is the squad he is in charge of.

They ship out today.

Predeployment Visit

 We survived and loved it!! It was just the best 4 days I have ever had.  It all felt so light and free and wonderful.  Coming home was hard, just prayed that we wouldn't have to, that word would come down and keep us all together.  But coming home to our family was reassuring.  The kids were so happy to have seen Daddy and so happy to come home to Grams and Pops (I don't know what we would do without them) that it never occurred to them to be sad.  In fact I feel better being home then I did before we left, the kids are behaving better.  This week end was exactly what we all needed and it prepared us, gave us strength.

We stayed at the guest house on post, it was a very nice and cheap hotel.  The kids LOVED the pool and the playground!

Shawn has always been an out doors kind of person, he has been excited to share that with his kids since we knew we were pregnant with Johnny.  He finally got to "hike" with them, and answered all of Johnny's questions, a day none of us will ever forget.

Most of our time was spent just being together.  We watched the Muppet movie twice, played games, read books, and did puzzles.  That was all we wanted...time together.

I have a new appreciation for our situation.  We are not alone! This huge post was busting with families just like us going through exactly what we are going through! We are an Army family and that is something to be proud of! I pray our little Army Brats understand and hold dear what Daddy is doing for our country and the world.  We are proud to be separated again.

Trusting God, for only he knows

My Mother shared this with me today, it is hard to swallow, but you must try sometimes




> Subject: Trust God
> Me: Promise You won't get mad
> God: I promise
> Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?
> God: What do you mean?
> Me: Well, I woke up late
> God: Yes
> Me: My car took forever to start
> God: Okay
> Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait
> God: Huummm ...
> Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call
> God: All right
> Me: And to top it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?
> God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that.
> Me: (humbled): OH
> GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.
> Me: (ashamed)
> God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.
> Me: (embarrassed):Okay
> God: Your phone went dead bcuz the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.
> Me: (softly): I see God
> God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.
> Me: I'm Sorry God
> God: Don't be sorry, just learn to Trust Me.... in All things , the Good & the bad.
> Me: I will trust You.
> God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.
> Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.
> God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children...

These Moments

Tonight I pray a prayer that we won't lose these moments.  That time does not flow so fast that we lose sight of right now.  That these happy memories we make as a 4 some do not get over taken by the loneliness that is sure to come when we separate again.  Lord of Heaven and Earth, I know you know what is best, I am trying to trust you. I can never share the full extent of my gratefulness for this week end of happy family time and I pray that these moments sustain us all for the months that come.  Help me not to dwell on the ache, but look to you and let you bring me back here, to this moment, to this week end of moments.

Last minute

We have been feeling the separation very acutely this past week. Shawn sees families out and about and misses his kids, his heart breaks to hear of what he is missing, Johnny tries to write Daddy a letter from his video game, Lily jumps when she hears any one call out Daddy. And me, I have been sad, lonely and hopeless. The weight of the impending ship out date has been pulling all of us down and making life hard to enjoy.

 Last night I broke and began to plan a trip to see Shawn the next day. I was done being apart and he had a long week end, so I decided we needed a family vacation to Daddy. Daddy did not see it the way that I did. He was not prepared and was scared of how much it would hurt all of us to say good bye again. So I dropped the plans and attempted to settle into this life without stopping.  I cried a lot.

This morning things changed. I told Shawn this story.
Lily and I went to the local Army clinic for an allergy appointment, Shawn used to to work at this clinic. As Lily and I are crossing the street she sees a tall man in a uniform, he waves to us and walks towards us. Lily nearly leaps out of the stroller yelling "Daddy Daddy Daddy" she was so excited and I must calm her down as my own hearts aches and tears run down my face.

 When I told Shawn this story he says "if you think it will help he kids, come out here." my heart jumped and raced and I nearly giggled. We talked for a long while about what is best for he kids. They said good bye once, is it cruel to ask them to say good bye again? Or do they need to be shown that Daddy is still around and okay and have a few more days him?
 We decided to give them some more Daddy time before we cannot give it to them any more. We decided to go see daddy and enjoy his last 4 day week end TOGETHER! We all need a break and to be refreshed by family time! Now everyone is excited!

We fly out in 6 days! Now to start the planning and praying.

Quite

Sometimes it just doesn't matter.  Sometimes you just have to suck it up.  He can't handle hearing you problems.  Your friends have their own problems and the world is much worse then one lonely house wife.

I a trying to suck it up today.  Crying alone in the bathroom, I feel silly, but I am tired of putting my problems on all of those around me.  I pray, but I feel unheard.  In my head I know that is not true.  I know He has a reason for this and he is supporting me and carrying me along. But right now all I feel is alone, though I am surrounded by people.

Home is Where the Army Sends You

Our life in the Army, and I am sure more to come.

Graditute

Although I miss my husband and fear for his life, I must learn to be grateful for what I have, because really I have a lot. I started a small gradatude journal last month(which I have ignored recently) but the things I have to be grateful for are very big. Instead of living on the post my shawn is deployed out of, away from family support and virtually alone with two small children, i was able to move into my parents home! And they allowed us to make it our home as well! Each of the kids has their own room and their own stuff and i Get to make dinner each night and we all sit down and pray together. I feel as if I drop something, ever, and my parents catch it before it hits the ground. That is true support! That is true blessing! God made this family stronge enough by making it bigger! Our Lord gives energy and patience to Grams and Pops each day to deal with being co parents of toddlers again! In the years that my parents should be lounging on a beach and feeding cookies to their visiting grandchildren they are helping in the day to day lives of children whose father cannot. That is blessing and Gods hands in direct control!

 I am also grateful for my Shawn. Right now I can call him when I am on the edge of breaking down (i won't bevable to or much longer.) I try not to, he should not have to deal with me and my little issues while he is preparing to deal with issues i cannot even begin to understand. But I know that it is also important for him to understand I hurt for him and I need him. There is a thin line in showing him we are fine and he doesn't need to worry, and making sure he knows he is still needed as husband and father. This morning was one of those days when I was weak and he was strong. The Lord knows and gives strength to one to give to the other. It felt as if he held me through the phone receiver and helped me work through my growing bitterness at others blessings and our lack. He gently allowed me to be angry and helped my understand that I didn't need to be. We talked briefly of the days after he returns. Enough to look forward to without building anything up to let us down. Just to hear that familiar comforting tone in his voice was really enough, but his words are always perfect.

 This evening I pray with great thanks for the great strength the Lord has placed in those in my life. Strength to strength and we will survive. I look forward to the day we look back on this year and laugh.

31 Days

He has been gone for 31 days, officially a month tomorrow. I just wish it wasn't true, I just wish he was home with us. That has become my prayer, Lord anything to have my family home again. I know He won't bring him home, but I am becoming desperate, I miss my husband. He isn't even down range yet, still preparing, busy and alone without his family. Lord give my husband comfort, give him strength, and some how bring us back together, soon! I know that my prayer for us to be together now doesn't make sense, I don't want my husband injured or any family emergency that would cause us to be reunited. There is no longer a positive way for him to come home, but I still long for one. I also know we have been through this before, twice, and that many families go through this and are going through it now. At least he is still mine, he loves me and will come home to me eventually, but those thoughts don't dull the pain of missing missing him. I wish they did! The kids are doing well, thank your Lord for giving me such strong children. Johnny loves getting to play with his cousins every day and Lily loves the attention of her grandparents. We are tired and busy, but it makes the days go by faster. We have help, love and support. We will survive this. Day 31 completed, a small triumph.

Keeping him Alive

He got some new gear today. He was excited. Should I be too?

Confidence in his Voice

There is confidence in his voice tonight. It soothed me, but scared me. He always does better at his job on deployments then he does at a clinic here in the states. His job just isn't as fulfilling or important here once he has helped solider over there. Confidence in his voice because he knows he is awesome and will thrive.

But confidence only goes so far, when you can only hear your children giggle and cannot hold them or rock them to sleep. When they are more then 30 hours of driving away and soon they will be across the world. He is a strong man, the strongest I know, but I can hear it in his voice, he misses his children and he tucks that pain far under so he cannot feel it right now, because feeling too much of anything right now would make these future months unbearable. He must survive and he knows well how to. I love him for that.

The kids got to Skype with him tonight. Seeing his face and hearing his voice. It took Lily a minute to understand what was going on and that that was really Daddy. But once she got it she was sweet and excited. She touched his face and gave him kisses, then she hugged the Ipad! Before the call was over she had gotten a picture she had colored today from the other side of the room and showed it to Daddy. She knew it was him and my heart soared that she understood and finally connected to her Daddy!!! Johnny was jealous and just wanted Daddy all to himself and show him funny faces and giggle constantly.

We miss him, but we have put his life into Gods hands and trusting that our family will be complete one day. God is good, ALL THE TIME!! Even when families are separated by war. God is there working in only the way he can see and all we can do is prayer and show him our hearts.

Communication

The Start

How do you ask God to keep your husband safe? What can you do? What can you pray or give to GOD so that this day won't be his last?

I have sent my Army husband on two deployments in the 7 years we have been together. During the first he suffered more then we could have imagined. He still does not like to talk about it, but death surrounded him. I was just a 20 year old bride with my entire life in front of me, what could I know of the risk he endured or the stress it placed on him? When he was deployed again just 17 months after returning the first time, he left a 8 week pregnant wife to live with her parents and birth his son, John, while he defended justice half way across the world. My Army husband missed everything of that pregnancy but was able to hear the birth thanks to cell phones and very involved family.

We had 4 years. 4 years to live life like any other family. Day to day enjoying each other. We even had another baby! Our daughter, Lily is so much like her Daddy I can see her future following his in nearly every way. But our normal life is gone as the Army snaps their fingers. We had orders in hand and had made preparations to move to Georgia when the call came in that we were being rerouted to Texas and just 6 weeks after reporting that dreaded third deployment would be happening, and there was nothing honorable we could do about it. So after a few tears we buckled down and prepared.

Now here we are. Daddy got to be here for John's 4th birthday March 17th and he got to teach 21 month old Lily to say "I love you." Me and the kids are settled in very nicely with Grams and Pops (my parents) and my Army husband is in Texas doing whatever the Army wants him to do to prepared him for this work in a desert country.

And I sit here with a Bible in one hand and a child on each hip wondering what am I to do? I have never before been scared of losing him, this is the father of my children! Children who don't really understand where Daddy has gone or when he will be back. What do I do? How can I keep him safe? How can I make sure he comes home to us and we can have our normal life back? I can do nothing! This is in God's hands. I must give the life of my best friend, love and life companion away to God and trust that He will bring him home. And what f he doesn't? What if it is his time to go and God is preparing me and calling my husband home? How do you beg GOD to let you keep your family whole?

You pray and you pray a lot! And so the start, praying from the deepest parts of me and never stopping!