Evan

It has been the worst week ever, though I know it could have been worse.  Prayers this week have been desperate and filled with tears of loneliness and loss.  I posted about my cousin Andrew who died one year ago, just two days before that anniversary his brother took his own life.  Two brothers, both war vets, both young, both sad, both gone, both missed and loved.  

Again, I had not really spoken much to Evan since we were kids, and not much then. He was just 5 years older then me. I am not sure why I never got to know him.  He found God and joined the Air Force when I was a teen and after that had his own life and me mine, so why did I not take the time and talk to him? He is my family damn it! Why did I judge him for what I heard of his life choices? Why did not I not just want and pray for his happiness? Why did I not want to know him and be apart of his life?  Or put the effort towards it? He has a beautiful wife and sweet baby boy whom I have never meet and this is how I choose to remember him, resting with his son.  He is at peace in his heart and no longer feeling the pain and strain of what he has endured. So many of my prayers now will go to his wife and son, his mother, father, sister, brother and nieces and nephews.  They are still here and must learn to live life without him, as they are still trying to learn how to live life without his brother.

  I wish I could see Gods purpose in this. 

Evan's funeral is Monday, in Ohio, 6 hours from where we live.  Shawn is in Afghanistan and Lily has croup.          My parents and brother and sister-in-law are driving to be at the funeral, but I am staying back in Maryland to take care of the children, mine and help with my brothers.  I cannot take sick Lily on that much of a trip, or into a funeral, and there is no one left to watch my kids, especially while sick.  Lily does not usually get sick, the last time was a year and a half ago! But she is sick now, I was in the ER twice with her twice this week.  Am I trying to justify the fact that I am not going? I know I feel like I should be there, my cousin is gone and I want to support my family and say good bye.  But I am the spouse of a deployed solider and they wont bring him back for this, so I am doing this duty and saying my good byes from here.  I am more then blessed to be with my family during this rough time and that they are able to go to the funeral to represent all of us.

I love you Evan.  I will keep you in my heart and your family in my prayers.  I know you finally feel peace and rest in the arms of our Heavenly Father.  Your name sits with me in a special way, my cousin , I miss you man and I just wish it was last week...last year and we could make it all better.