I have learned a lot in the past few months. I am beginning to feel as if God wanted me apart from Shawn and here in Maryland so I would learn about myself, about life, about my kids and about Him. God does not disappoint at all! Since Shawn has been apart from me God has been teaching me lessons left and right. I feel as if I have grown so much and discovered.
A lesson very vital to my spiritually has to do with original sin. It has always been a struggle for me to imagine that my children were born "dirty" already sinful and tainted. Why did we need Jesus to come and die for us? Maybe my pride was just too large, but I could not imagine NEEDING Jesus to FIX me or that anyone I loved was not already perfect. In the ups and downs of deployment (excitement over thinking about homecoming and getting phone calls and the sadness of loneliness) has shown me the nature of my heart.
The nature of my heart, the nature of all human hearts, is to turn away from God, turn towards sin. When things get bad I would drink a few beers, watch Futurama or attempt to ignore the entire world and mope around. When I do not like the path God has put before me I ignore God, I decide I know better and fight for what I want. How could I know better then God, who sees all and knows all and loves me wanting only the best for me? Really? When I am enjoying the path God puts before me, I pray and read His word and listen to His music and I feel amazing! That joy deep in my heart of following His way and listening to Him is a joy I never want to leave me and I am the only one who has control over that. God gives his love freely and has a plan for me. I have to open my heart and fight against my nature to let God into my heart. Every day is a battle, but everyday brings me closer to Him, and that is where I want to be!
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