Notes from the end of today

*sometime you have to fight to cling to and feel your blessings, fight away the negative thoughts and appreciate your gifts
Giggles and smiles through big eyes
 A little heart aching for love
A fresh new life, truely a new beginning
Supporting and being supported
 A future
 LOVE
 I turn my sinful broken soul to God and I am made clean and whole. He is all I need and I give my life to Him. I will always try my hardest to live my life in Him, with Him, and for Him for everything I have is a gift from Him...blessing He gives to make this life rich.

Why!

The biggest struggle since we got word of this deployment is understanding Gods purpose. Why did God want Shawn deployed again? It stinks! But I am coming to trust God and to believe that Gods purpose and plan is bigger then me and ANY problem I may come across. The last few weeks have been really rough, two cousins gone, sick kids, pain ridden Papa...the list goes on and on. But today is a new day and a new lesson for me right from my heavenly father. My parents are at the hospital preparing to bring home there first foster child, a premature baby boy weight just under 4 lbs. my brother and his family are bringing home two boys, ages 5 and 6 right now. I am not directly involved, I am support staff...and that is very important for me to accept. I am not the center of attention and I do not need to be the person doing everything and helping everyone. I am loving my family, giving support where and when I can, even if that is just praying for them! That is how I feel God truely speaking to me today. I accept his lesson and old it close to my heart.

Up and Out

It is late and I am pretty tired, but I wanted to get something posted.  I have been really self loathing and self pitting lately, I have been ignoring the comfort God tries to give me.  This morning I took a hint and took the kids to DC to go to the National Zoo.  It was wonderful, truely wonderful. Eye opening to each one of them for me.  Lily was just happy, she just smiled and just enjoyed seeing the animals and eating "MnMs" and Johnny was intelligent and interested in everything.  I have been bogging myself down in myself and MY life and MY problems I have not been loving my children.  But now I appreciate them, I see them and I truely LOVE them with all of who I am I LOVE them.  And I am ready for the comfort the Lord has given, the comfort of my children.

As I finish writing this am feeling blessed and full...Shawn surprises me with a late night call...early morning for him.  He just wanted to hear my voice and let me hear his.  We laughed and I told him about our Zoo trip.  We got off the phone with giggles and love...that is us and I have to be that for him, let the Lord comfort me and find joy in my children, so I can give joy to my husband at war.

Where is Daddy?

Johnny is a smart and curious kid. About a year ago a good friend of his named Morgan moved with her family to Germany.  He still asks about her and about Germany and how we could visit her.  So when Daddy left we told him Daddy was on his adventure in Texas, and Texas was what he clung to.  But then we visited Texas and then he got a little confused, how could this be where Daddy was on his adventure, we could live here.  So now Daddy is trying to explain to him what Afghanistan is like and where Daddy is compared to him.  Daddy is sending us some pictures of his room and office, but OPSEC keeps him from sending us too many pictures.  Johnny's interest in knowing where Daddy is prompted Grams to buy this giant floor puzzle of the world.  Mommy got to help him put it together and he really started to understand how big the world is.

Johnny loved looking at each piece and talking about the animals that show where they live in each country.

He loved seeing the puzzle come together.

Putting in the last piece you would have thought was like winning the Olympics.

They we talked about where Daddy is.

Johnny was concerned about the tiger that was so close to were we said Daddy was.  Johnny hopes Daddy is n by any tigers or mountain lions.

And we have it.  One finger on Daddy and one on us.  So far away, but always in our hearts.

Baby Number 3

No this is not anannouncment that we are expecting. There is no way for us to add to our family in the next year, and if that announcement was on it's way, there would bemore then a little explaning to follow. No, this is a post about my very personal struggles and frustration. In the past 24 hours I been excited for two separate friends now expecting their third child about the time Shawn is due to come home. There is no blessing like that of a newborn child, of a life to make your own richer. But my husband is away, gone from my arms for the next 9 months and there is no chance I can begin to feel life growing in me again. Honestly we don't know if we want another child. Our resources fit perfectly to raise the two wonderful children we have, but we don't even have the option. Our youngest is offically two and learning to use the potty, our oldest will be in school this fall! And every day that passes I feel my days of motherhood slipping away. I know I will always be their Mom, but in less then 18 years they won't need me any more. Then what do I do with myself? I am a mom and I don't want to be anything else, ever! I think this is something that mamy moms, if not all, struggle with, but with my husband gone for this year I must face it now. I suppose the option for more children is open to us when Shawn returns, but there is so much that will need done and every day our children will be further apart in age. Maybe I am seeking to justify aching for the baby days of my children and wishing I could stretch them out and stop them from growing up, stop my husband from missing milestones. Stop this year from passing while we are apart, or making it pass faster, before we know it has even started. But it has and the days drag as my babies grow up too fast.

Evan

It has been the worst week ever, though I know it could have been worse.  Prayers this week have been desperate and filled with tears of loneliness and loss.  I posted about my cousin Andrew who died one year ago, just two days before that anniversary his brother took his own life.  Two brothers, both war vets, both young, both sad, both gone, both missed and loved.  

Again, I had not really spoken much to Evan since we were kids, and not much then. He was just 5 years older then me. I am not sure why I never got to know him.  He found God and joined the Air Force when I was a teen and after that had his own life and me mine, so why did I not take the time and talk to him? He is my family damn it! Why did I judge him for what I heard of his life choices? Why did not I not just want and pray for his happiness? Why did I not want to know him and be apart of his life?  Or put the effort towards it? He has a beautiful wife and sweet baby boy whom I have never meet and this is how I choose to remember him, resting with his son.  He is at peace in his heart and no longer feeling the pain and strain of what he has endured. So many of my prayers now will go to his wife and son, his mother, father, sister, brother and nieces and nephews.  They are still here and must learn to live life without him, as they are still trying to learn how to live life without his brother.

  I wish I could see Gods purpose in this. 

Evan's funeral is Monday, in Ohio, 6 hours from where we live.  Shawn is in Afghanistan and Lily has croup.          My parents and brother and sister-in-law are driving to be at the funeral, but I am staying back in Maryland to take care of the children, mine and help with my brothers.  I cannot take sick Lily on that much of a trip, or into a funeral, and there is no one left to watch my kids, especially while sick.  Lily does not usually get sick, the last time was a year and a half ago! But she is sick now, I was in the ER twice with her twice this week.  Am I trying to justify the fact that I am not going? I know I feel like I should be there, my cousin is gone and I want to support my family and say good bye.  But I am the spouse of a deployed solider and they wont bring him back for this, so I am doing this duty and saying my good byes from here.  I am more then blessed to be with my family during this rough time and that they are able to go to the funeral to represent all of us.

I love you Evan.  I will keep you in my heart and your family in my prayers.  I know you finally feel peace and rest in the arms of our Heavenly Father.  Your name sits with me in a special way, my cousin , I miss you man and I just wish it was last week...last year and we could make it all better.