Last minute

We have been feeling the separation very acutely this past week. Shawn sees families out and about and misses his kids, his heart breaks to hear of what he is missing, Johnny tries to write Daddy a letter from his video game, Lily jumps when she hears any one call out Daddy. And me, I have been sad, lonely and hopeless. The weight of the impending ship out date has been pulling all of us down and making life hard to enjoy.

 Last night I broke and began to plan a trip to see Shawn the next day. I was done being apart and he had a long week end, so I decided we needed a family vacation to Daddy. Daddy did not see it the way that I did. He was not prepared and was scared of how much it would hurt all of us to say good bye again. So I dropped the plans and attempted to settle into this life without stopping.  I cried a lot.

This morning things changed. I told Shawn this story.
Lily and I went to the local Army clinic for an allergy appointment, Shawn used to to work at this clinic. As Lily and I are crossing the street she sees a tall man in a uniform, he waves to us and walks towards us. Lily nearly leaps out of the stroller yelling "Daddy Daddy Daddy" she was so excited and I must calm her down as my own hearts aches and tears run down my face.

 When I told Shawn this story he says "if you think it will help he kids, come out here." my heart jumped and raced and I nearly giggled. We talked for a long while about what is best for he kids. They said good bye once, is it cruel to ask them to say good bye again? Or do they need to be shown that Daddy is still around and okay and have a few more days him?
 We decided to give them some more Daddy time before we cannot give it to them any more. We decided to go see daddy and enjoy his last 4 day week end TOGETHER! We all need a break and to be refreshed by family time! Now everyone is excited!

We fly out in 6 days! Now to start the planning and praying.

Quite

Sometimes it just doesn't matter.  Sometimes you just have to suck it up.  He can't handle hearing you problems.  Your friends have their own problems and the world is much worse then one lonely house wife.

I a trying to suck it up today.  Crying alone in the bathroom, I feel silly, but I am tired of putting my problems on all of those around me.  I pray, but I feel unheard.  In my head I know that is not true.  I know He has a reason for this and he is supporting me and carrying me along. But right now all I feel is alone, though I am surrounded by people.

Home is Where the Army Sends You

Our life in the Army, and I am sure more to come.

Graditute

Although I miss my husband and fear for his life, I must learn to be grateful for what I have, because really I have a lot. I started a small gradatude journal last month(which I have ignored recently) but the things I have to be grateful for are very big. Instead of living on the post my shawn is deployed out of, away from family support and virtually alone with two small children, i was able to move into my parents home! And they allowed us to make it our home as well! Each of the kids has their own room and their own stuff and i Get to make dinner each night and we all sit down and pray together. I feel as if I drop something, ever, and my parents catch it before it hits the ground. That is true support! That is true blessing! God made this family stronge enough by making it bigger! Our Lord gives energy and patience to Grams and Pops each day to deal with being co parents of toddlers again! In the years that my parents should be lounging on a beach and feeding cookies to their visiting grandchildren they are helping in the day to day lives of children whose father cannot. That is blessing and Gods hands in direct control!

 I am also grateful for my Shawn. Right now I can call him when I am on the edge of breaking down (i won't bevable to or much longer.) I try not to, he should not have to deal with me and my little issues while he is preparing to deal with issues i cannot even begin to understand. But I know that it is also important for him to understand I hurt for him and I need him. There is a thin line in showing him we are fine and he doesn't need to worry, and making sure he knows he is still needed as husband and father. This morning was one of those days when I was weak and he was strong. The Lord knows and gives strength to one to give to the other. It felt as if he held me through the phone receiver and helped me work through my growing bitterness at others blessings and our lack. He gently allowed me to be angry and helped my understand that I didn't need to be. We talked briefly of the days after he returns. Enough to look forward to without building anything up to let us down. Just to hear that familiar comforting tone in his voice was really enough, but his words are always perfect.

 This evening I pray with great thanks for the great strength the Lord has placed in those in my life. Strength to strength and we will survive. I look forward to the day we look back on this year and laugh.

31 Days

He has been gone for 31 days, officially a month tomorrow. I just wish it wasn't true, I just wish he was home with us. That has become my prayer, Lord anything to have my family home again. I know He won't bring him home, but I am becoming desperate, I miss my husband. He isn't even down range yet, still preparing, busy and alone without his family. Lord give my husband comfort, give him strength, and some how bring us back together, soon! I know that my prayer for us to be together now doesn't make sense, I don't want my husband injured or any family emergency that would cause us to be reunited. There is no longer a positive way for him to come home, but I still long for one. I also know we have been through this before, twice, and that many families go through this and are going through it now. At least he is still mine, he loves me and will come home to me eventually, but those thoughts don't dull the pain of missing missing him. I wish they did! The kids are doing well, thank your Lord for giving me such strong children. Johnny loves getting to play with his cousins every day and Lily loves the attention of her grandparents. We are tired and busy, but it makes the days go by faster. We have help, love and support. We will survive this. Day 31 completed, a small triumph.