God's Own Reasons #121

I have spent a lot of time during this deployment trying to figure out WHY.  What could God want us to gain from all of this?  I come up with reasons and usually reject them thinking "it is just not worth that" or "I am just stretching it"  But one reason has come up time and time again that really seems to make sense...I needed to get closer to God before I could be away from my family.  My brother, sister-in-law and mother have been spiritual guides and sounding boards for me and God wanted me to be stronger in my faith through them before I could be away.

I accept this reason.

But why did Shawn have to go to war to keep me here. Surely GOD could have found a better reason to keep us here.  Well God is obviously smarter then I and has a plan for me, to better me and He has great things planned for me.  It is hard to remind myself of that when I wake suddenly and expect to see my husband curled up next to me and he is not, or when I don't hear from him at all for days and my mind wonders as I am scared to answer the door.

 But God truly knows more then me and I accept that as well.

With these two facts finally being accepted into my heart I am open for many more of Gods plans to start in my life.  Today I am discovering that God is truly working his will to make me a better me.  Through this deployment I am learning about myself, my family, my husband, my children and life.  My priorities are shifting like I never thought they would and my heart is feeling at peace with things I never dreamed of.  I feel as if I am a tree and I am watching and feeling my branches grow and change.  It is surreal to be in the midst of a true metamorphosis.  I accept my faults and my strengths and I am looking forward to knowing myself better and growing up to be the best Mom and wife that I can be, with God by my side anything is possible.

40 Minutes and Music

We spent 40 minutes on the phone today.  WE LAUGHED!!! It was wonderful.  I felt like we really connected.  Oh how I miss him, but right now I feel closer to him!!

He also sent me some songs that made him think of me.  He likes to emotionally hold himself back while down range so this is a little bit of a stretch for him.  But the songs told me that he missed me, cared for me, loved me, treasured me and that "no matter what the future holds" he will be there.  I already knew that, but I love knowing he is thinking of me out there.

I just miss him

I think I might have this under controll, I am not perfect, but with the help of my wonderful family and God I feel confident that I can handle this deployment.  But right now my heart just aches for my husband.  This weekend in DC I saw a father lifting up a small girl so she could see better.   I could not keep back my tears.  Every time I blinked I saw Shawn and Lily.  I just miss him.

Twelve

That is how long our phone conversation was today.  Twelve minutes that we shared today quietly talking about Lily throwing up and Johnny not taking a nap.  I got married to share my life with my husband, not twelve minutes.  Today I am praying for perspective, I know we are lucky.  Lucky to have found each other and fallen in love, lucky that he has come home from two deployments and each day he is safe is a gift, lucky that we have any time to talk and lucky that we know when he is coming home.  We are lucky, and blessed and life is good, but my heart breaks every time I hit the red button to end the connection and prepare to live separate lives again.

Busy Week

Shawn has been very busy down range this week.  We have not gotten to talk much and he cannot tell me why he is busy or what he is doing or much of anything.  He usually calls every day from Skype over free Internet, and we talk for 20 to 30 minutes, nothing big, just catch up, assuring eachother we are okay and loving and then let the kids giggle for him.  But this week he has only been able to call 3 times and each call is less then 5 minutes, he is tired, head aches and working really late and must be ready early in the morning.  I fear he has avoided calling or talking to me because he doesn't want to tell me what is going on, he has never liked to share his over seas experiences with me.  I miss him so much right now.  I am scared, but I have to know that God will bring him home to me.  This is just another day over, another week closer to being together again.  The longer we are apart and the more weeks like this the luckier I feel to be his wife.  He has loved me for 10 years and seen the worst of me he loves me more and more. I feel truely treasured by him every day as he sees me and helps me see myself as well, better then any one else.  Of course we have had our problems, but they have only ever made us stronger together.  He balances me utterly and I imagine how lucky my children are to have him as a father.  Please Lord keep him safe and bring him home.

Sentimental

Shawn says I am sentimental....he is right.  But so is our son.  John LOVES anything that even resembles any kind of camouflage, he calls it "Daddy cloths" or "Daddy blanket" or "Daddy..." you get the point.  So today we made this shirt together on my friends embroidery machine.  I think it turned out great and Johnny can't wait to wear it to school later this month.

Trusting the Lord....

                                

....it is not easy, but I am trynig, becuase I know the path the Lord wants me to be on will only lead me to Joy and Love, for He loves me and we have joy in Him.