Praying

We pray at meals and before bed, we thank God for the blessing of "daily bread" and ask that He keep Daddy safe and bring him home soon.  We must be teaching Johnny something right, since after church he went running in this field as usual and stopped to lean on this cross for about 5 minutes!! He said he was praying, I am not sure what he said to God, but I was glad he knew he could and how to.

Praying is not always easy for me.  I feel strange, talking to myself, asking for things.  I try to just talk to God in my head all day long.  "Thank you Lord for keeping Shawn safe to call me for another day" "Oh God please help me finish this run" "God you know I love them, but these children are driving me crazy, can you do something about that PLEASE?" :) Most of the time I just cat with God like I would chat with my mom.  But I often loose my trust and ask "If God knows what is going to happen and has a plan, why do I need to pray, does it do any good?" I must remind myself that it does make a difference.  That our Heavenly Father gave us free will and the ability to make our way,  though making our way in His path ensure happiness and eternal life with God.  It may still not make perfect sense, but my heart tells me it is right. God wants to know what we want, what we find important and what we desire for our life.  So please, if you are reading this bow your head and say this prayer for us, so God knows what we want for our future and our family.

Heavenly and awesome Father, thank you for this day, thank you for breath in my lungs and food on my plate.  Lord, I ask you to watch over Shawn in Afghanistan, it is not easy to help those who lose their way, and fight to keep your own as well, keep peace in his mind and work  his heart.  Lord keep Shawn safe and bring him home to his family soon. Ease all of their hearts and minds and stay with them showing them your path and your plan.  Be especially with his children, John and Lily, as they miss Daddy with all of there little hearts Lord, help them understand Daddy's adventure and know he will come home to them as soon as he can.  Lord you guide my days and nights and I pray you bless all service men and women and their families, in harms way and at home.  Thank you for giving us people like this to keep us safe. In Jesus name I pray with gratefulness and love. Amen

Slow and Busy

I posted on our units group page last week that I feel like the months are moving along far too slowly.  We are two months in and have 7 left.  Many other wives responded that they could not believe that two months had already past, that they were so busy it felt like time was flying by.

I feel like we are busy people.  With young children we don't have ballet, or soccer or anything like that, it is summer and sometimes the amount of children in and out of the house is up to 9! We are out and about and visiting and playing and swimming every day.  But still each day feels as long as a year, like imaging Shawn's homecoming, is like thinking of a different life time.

I have also been pulling myself together, trying to put my focus back on God and appreciate the insane amount of blessings I have in my life, knowing this one minor hardship is in God's plan and that 9 months is NOT a life time!! I am not alone and I am not lost.

A Lesson About our Nature

I have learned a lot in the past few months.  I am beginning to feel as if God wanted me apart from Shawn and here in Maryland so I would learn about myself, about life, about my kids and about Him.  God does not disappoint at all! Since Shawn has been apart from me God has been teaching me lessons left and right.  I feel as if I have grown so much and discovered.

A lesson very vital to my spiritually has to do with original sin.  It has always been a struggle for me to imagine that my children were born "dirty" already sinful and tainted.  Why did we need Jesus to come and die for us? Maybe my pride was just too large, but I could not imagine NEEDING Jesus to FIX me or that anyone I loved was not already perfect. In the ups and downs of deployment (excitement over thinking about homecoming and getting phone calls and the sadness of loneliness) has shown me the nature of my heart.

The nature of my heart, the nature of all human hearts, is to turn away from God, turn towards sin.  When things get bad I would drink a few beers, watch Futurama or attempt to ignore the entire world and mope around.  When I do not like the path God has put before me I ignore God, I decide I know better and fight for what I want.  How could I know better then God, who sees all and knows all and loves me wanting only the best for me? Really? When I am enjoying the path God puts before me, I pray and read His word and listen to His music and I feel amazing! That joy deep in my heart of following His way and listening to Him is a joy I never want to leave me and I am the only one who has control over that.  God gives his love freely  and has a plan for me.  I have to open my heart and fight against my nature to let God into my heart.  Every day is a battle, but everyday brings me closer to Him, and that is where I want to be!

Ups and Downs

I have found it difficult to post much. Shawn has been gone for two months and I can't believe we have seven left, it feels like a life time! I have been so up and down with my emotions and reactions i am not sure which way I am headed very often. I have grown a lot and gained a lot of perspective, understanding and had massive realizations about myself and life and I am grateful that God put me in this situation so I could grow so much, but on the other hand there is an overwhelming aching in my heart for my husband, my best friend. Every time I look at our children I feel like a vital peice is just missing. This is not easy and I wish it wasn't happening, I wish Shawn was home!

My Little Boy

My little boy misses his Daddy. He seems so different since his Daddy left. He acts like a baby more often, whining and crying and ignoring directions we give him. He almost seems lost, like behind his blue eyes all he can do is miss Daddy. I know the feeling. Today was difficult for him. He lied to me, snuck toys behind my back, spit multiple times after he had already gone to time out for it, and played when he knew he should have been cleaning up. He was generally out of sorts, he can't seem to be still, or quite, or focus on one thing for too long. There is the possibility of ADHD or something similar, and he starts school in the fall, we will be keeping a wide eye open. but right now my heart tells me he just misses his Daddy.

 He is so much like Shawn that I feel almost lost raising him without him and I know Shawn would thrive in the curious questions Johnny asks and in reading non fiction magazines and sneaking up on people to surprise them with a squeeze hug. But even without Shawn, I am not alone, thank God for that, truely! My parents are a wonderful support and guidance and boost to me. And I don't know how I would do this without them. My brother suggested writing my son a letter about all of the things I love in him and how I see his future. A boost for the both of us.

 Dearest Johnny,
 You are a walking hug. You are pure and innocent love placed in the body of a 4 year. You are always telling those around you that you love them, giving hugs or blowing kisses, especially when you are in trouble. You would not care if you were spanked as long as you were told you were loved during it. That is your greatest strength and I pray you never loose it. You love and you see love and acceptance in everything around you. You have the biggest heart and you already yearn for that acceptance and love for yourself as well. I fear you will have your fragile heart broken and I pray I am there to help you put it back together. I sometimes forget how young you are because you already stand chest high to me and because you are always asking insightful questions about the world around you. I recently bought you a $13 magazine about life under the ocean! Because you practically begged for it, and you sleep with it under your pillow. Your obsession with picking up trash and collecting rocks makes trips to the park an excursion and I pray you never loose that pure curiosity. Your favorite outing place of all time is the Smithsonian Natural History museum, AkA the Dino Museum. You would go everyday and have me read every world on every display in the entire museum. You and your father both. You love nature and I can see you as a scientist one day. I can also see you as a father and husband, loving and devoted and always putting your family first. That is the truth of the man I see in your young eyes. Love, love, love and never stop, it is the best of you.

 My prayer today is this, Lord give me the strength to guide my son down the path that leads to You and give me the intelligence to foster the best parts of his mind and help him to keep his love for nature and learning no matter what the future may hold for us. Lord give me heart to Love him and show show him love, help him live in love and help him grow in love. Lord for only with you in my heart am I deserving to be this amazying little boys mother. Thank you for the truest blessings of my life, my children.