My little boy misses his Daddy. He seems so different since his Daddy left. He acts like a baby more often, whining and crying and ignoring directions we give him. He almost seems lost, like behind his blue eyes all he can do is miss Daddy. I know the feeling. Today was difficult for him. He lied to me, snuck toys behind my back, spit multiple times after he had already gone to time out for it, and played when he knew he should have been cleaning up. He was generally out of sorts, he can't seem to be still, or quite, or focus on one thing for too long. There is the possibility of ADHD or something similar, and he starts school in the fall, we will be keeping a wide eye open. but right now my heart tells me he just misses his Daddy.
He is so much like Shawn that I feel almost lost raising him without him and I know Shawn would thrive in the curious questions Johnny asks and in reading non fiction magazines and sneaking up on people to surprise them with a squeeze hug. But even without Shawn, I am not alone, thank God for that, truely! My parents are a wonderful support and guidance and boost to me. And I don't know how I would do this without them.
My brother suggested writing my son a letter about all of the things I love in him and how I see his future. A boost for the both of us.
Dearest Johnny,
You are a walking hug. You are pure and innocent love placed in the body of a 4 year. You are always telling those around you that you love them, giving hugs or blowing kisses, especially when you are in trouble. You would not care if you were spanked as long as you were told you were loved during it. That is your greatest strength and I pray you never loose it. You love and you see love and acceptance in everything around you. You have the biggest heart and you already yearn for that acceptance and love for yourself as well. I fear you will have your fragile heart broken and I pray I am there to help you put it back together.
I sometimes forget how young you are because you already stand chest high to me and because you are always asking insightful questions about the world around you. I recently bought you a $13 magazine about life under the ocean! Because you practically begged for it, and you sleep with it under your pillow. Your obsession with picking up trash and collecting rocks makes trips to the park an excursion and I pray you never loose that pure curiosity. Your favorite outing place of all time is the Smithsonian Natural History museum, AkA the Dino Museum. You would go everyday and have me read every world on every display in the entire museum. You and your father both. You love nature and I can see you as a scientist one day.
I can also see you as a father and husband, loving and devoted and always putting your family first. That is the truth of the man I see in your young eyes. Love, love, love and never stop, it is the best of you.
My prayer today is this, Lord give me the strength to guide my son down the path that leads to You and give me the intelligence to foster the best parts of his mind and help him to keep his love for nature and learning no matter what the future may hold for us. Lord give me heart to Love him and show show him love, help him live in love and help him grow in love. Lord for only with you in my heart am I deserving to be this amazying little boys mother. Thank you for the truest blessings of my life, my children.
