Where is Daddy?

Johnny is a smart and curious kid. About a year ago a good friend of his named Morgan moved with her family to Germany.  He still asks about her and about Germany and how we could visit her.  So when Daddy left we told him Daddy was on his adventure in Texas, and Texas was what he clung to.  But then we visited Texas and then he got a little confused, how could this be where Daddy was on his adventure, we could live here.  So now Daddy is trying to explain to him what Afghanistan is like and where Daddy is compared to him.  Daddy is sending us some pictures of his room and office, but OPSEC keeps him from sending us too many pictures.  Johnny's interest in knowing where Daddy is prompted Grams to buy this giant floor puzzle of the world.  Mommy got to help him put it together and he really started to understand how big the world is.

Johnny loved looking at each piece and talking about the animals that show where they live in each country.

He loved seeing the puzzle come together.

Putting in the last piece you would have thought was like winning the Olympics.

They we talked about where Daddy is.

Johnny was concerned about the tiger that was so close to were we said Daddy was.  Johnny hopes Daddy is n by any tigers or mountain lions.

And we have it.  One finger on Daddy and one on us.  So far away, but always in our hearts.

Baby Number 3

No this is not anannouncment that we are expecting. There is no way for us to add to our family in the next year, and if that announcement was on it's way, there would bemore then a little explaning to follow. No, this is a post about my very personal struggles and frustration. In the past 24 hours I been excited for two separate friends now expecting their third child about the time Shawn is due to come home. There is no blessing like that of a newborn child, of a life to make your own richer. But my husband is away, gone from my arms for the next 9 months and there is no chance I can begin to feel life growing in me again. Honestly we don't know if we want another child. Our resources fit perfectly to raise the two wonderful children we have, but we don't even have the option. Our youngest is offically two and learning to use the potty, our oldest will be in school this fall! And every day that passes I feel my days of motherhood slipping away. I know I will always be their Mom, but in less then 18 years they won't need me any more. Then what do I do with myself? I am a mom and I don't want to be anything else, ever! I think this is something that mamy moms, if not all, struggle with, but with my husband gone for this year I must face it now. I suppose the option for more children is open to us when Shawn returns, but there is so much that will need done and every day our children will be further apart in age. Maybe I am seeking to justify aching for the baby days of my children and wishing I could stretch them out and stop them from growing up, stop my husband from missing milestones. Stop this year from passing while we are apart, or making it pass faster, before we know it has even started. But it has and the days drag as my babies grow up too fast.

Evan

It has been the worst week ever, though I know it could have been worse.  Prayers this week have been desperate and filled with tears of loneliness and loss.  I posted about my cousin Andrew who died one year ago, just two days before that anniversary his brother took his own life.  Two brothers, both war vets, both young, both sad, both gone, both missed and loved.  

Again, I had not really spoken much to Evan since we were kids, and not much then. He was just 5 years older then me. I am not sure why I never got to know him.  He found God and joined the Air Force when I was a teen and after that had his own life and me mine, so why did I not take the time and talk to him? He is my family damn it! Why did I judge him for what I heard of his life choices? Why did not I not just want and pray for his happiness? Why did I not want to know him and be apart of his life?  Or put the effort towards it? He has a beautiful wife and sweet baby boy whom I have never meet and this is how I choose to remember him, resting with his son.  He is at peace in his heart and no longer feeling the pain and strain of what he has endured. So many of my prayers now will go to his wife and son, his mother, father, sister, brother and nieces and nephews.  They are still here and must learn to live life without him, as they are still trying to learn how to live life without his brother.

  I wish I could see Gods purpose in this. 

Evan's funeral is Monday, in Ohio, 6 hours from where we live.  Shawn is in Afghanistan and Lily has croup.          My parents and brother and sister-in-law are driving to be at the funeral, but I am staying back in Maryland to take care of the children, mine and help with my brothers.  I cannot take sick Lily on that much of a trip, or into a funeral, and there is no one left to watch my kids, especially while sick.  Lily does not usually get sick, the last time was a year and a half ago! But she is sick now, I was in the ER twice with her twice this week.  Am I trying to justify the fact that I am not going? I know I feel like I should be there, my cousin is gone and I want to support my family and say good bye.  But I am the spouse of a deployed solider and they wont bring him back for this, so I am doing this duty and saying my good byes from here.  I am more then blessed to be with my family during this rough time and that they are able to go to the funeral to represent all of us.

I love you Evan.  I will keep you in my heart and your family in my prayers.  I know you finally feel peace and rest in the arms of our Heavenly Father.  Your name sits with me in a special way, my cousin , I miss you man and I just wish it was last week...last year and we could make it all better.  

Why it Matters

Memorial Day week end will always be rough for our family.  My cousin, Andrew was 21 years old.  He was active duty Air Force and had only been home 6 months from his first deployment.  He suffered from PTSD and took his own life.  Only one year has past, and it has gotten harder.

We miss Shawn very much, but he is there preventing and treating PTSD in our military serving in harms way.  He is there helping other families not go through what our family is going through.  Every day 18 veterans take their own life! That number is outrageous! 18 lives a day, 18 families, 18 futures, 18 heroes....every day! That is why Shawn does what he does, to lower that number.

48 Hours

Johnny is fast asleep, and for the second night in a row he is wearing his "Daddy shirt." This shirt is the grey child sized PT shirt he got in Texas when we visited Daddy. He just doesn't want to take the shirt off. He wore it yesterday, over his sleeper last night and to church today. Now he is sleeping in it again. It has been 48 hours since he has taken off his "Daddy shirt." I do not blame him one bit! And will let him wear it with his "Daddy shorts" as long as he wants.....until maybe they start to smell funny.

Hoarding Daddy

We love our Daddy so much that we want to hoard him away and not let anyone else get any time with him! But we also know that our Daddy is doing something so important in Afghanistan.  He is helping other soldiers deal with the emotional and mental damage of war.  So we will lend our Daddy to those needy soldiers for a little while.  But you know that we want him back!! ASAP

Here is a rather graining picture, shot with my cell phone, of Lily talking to her Daddy via Skype.  She grabbed the IPad out of my hands and was yelling "MY DADDY MY DADDY MY DADDY" not letting anyone else talk to him.  She just waned to see him face and giggle at him, then give him lots of kisses.  That is HER Daddy! And don't you forget it!

This is what it mean....

....to be a family separated by half the world. It is Saturday, a long week end for Memorial Day, the kids are playing in the sand box and I am in the hammock enjoying the beautiful weather, but Daddy is sitting alone in a room after a very long day at work trying to get his Internet working so we can just hear his voice. I am glad and relieved for his safe assignment, but we still wish we could be together just for moments like this. All seems right with the world, but there is still an empty seat next to me.